【Watch Bikini Pirates (2006)】

The Watch Bikini Pirates (2006)Platonic Ideal of conspicuous consumption never looked so shiny — and Apple really wants you to keep it that way.

The much ballyhooed Apple Card had its official U.S.-wide launch yesterday, with eager early adopters rushing to praise the card's titanium body and laser-etched logo. And, because this is an Apple product, the geniuses of Cupertino released an elaborate set of cleaning and care instructions for the newest addition to their family of products.

Yes, you read that correctly. Cleaning and care instructions for a credit card.

"Place your card in a slot in your wallet or billfold without touching another credit card," reads the card-owning guide. "If two credit cards are placed in the same slot your card could become scratched."

That's right, don't even thinkabout letting your precious Apple Card near that trashjunking up the rest of your wallet.

But maybe you're not worried about that. You, as a true Apple stan, have set aside an entire sleeve of your leather wallet so that your Apple Card may rest easy on its own personal bed of lambskin.

Well, my good Jobs-head, you've still screwed up.

"Some fabrics," warns Apple, "like leather and denim, might cause permanent discoloration that will not wash off."

All is not lost, however. You can "moisten a soft, microfiber cloth with isopropyl alcohol and gently wipe the card," instructs Apple.

But whatever you do, don't even think about using "window or household cleaners, compressed air, aerosol sprays, solvents, ammonia, or abrasives to clean your titanium Apple Card."

Can you imagine? Like you'd have common household cleaners around.

So go ahead and order a special carrying case for that shiny bad boy. Because, much as with the Apple Pencil case, a little accessorizing goes a long way when lording status over your fellow man.