【functional massage eroticism】

Forget your annual New Years resolution. It's time to finally admit to yourself that,functional massage eroticism after years signing up for the YMCA, downloading completely dysfunctional exercise apps and buying high-end yoga pants, you're never ever - never ever ever -- going to the gym.

That's OK. You're not going to die. I mean, you are going to die, but not because you didn't show up to that 7 a.m. Barre class your friend said was "so, so good." There are plenty of ways you can remain healthy while exerting the bare minimum of effort.

Below is the list of ways to keep your mind fresh and body looking "good enough" in 2017.

1. Stop drinking so much damn juice.

Sure, some small percentage of what you're drinking probably came from a fruit. But the majority of fruit juices are mostly water, sugar and a whole bunch of other ingredients too boring to repeat. If you must juice, go for unsweetened juices -- they don't always taste absolutely terrible.

2. Try not to sit like you're a cocktail shrimp.

Your mother was right -- posture matters, and matters a lot. Sitting with correct posture can help protect your organs and spine, and make you look attractive too.

3. Breathe like you're not on the verge of dying

Breathing correctly can help lower anxiety and stress. Try these basic, government-recommended steps to breathe like the normal humans mother nature always wanted us to be.

4. Plant a pretty flower

Reclaim gardening. Studies have shown that even moderate forms of exercise, like gardening, can have an positive effect on health if done regularly.

5. Move your body for a bare minimum of 10 minutes a day.

Simply trying to touch your toes or stretch your knee 10 ten minutes a day can strengthen your muscles and posture. Half of all stretches can even be accomplished by sitting down. What are you waiting for?

6. Sit in a tub

They call them "sensory deprivation tanks," which is just a fancy word for "bathtub." Essentially, you sit in a shallow, salt water pool and mentally detox. Many people who've sat in such tubs swear by them, and bonus: you get to do it entirely alone.

7. Go take a walk in a park

Walking isn't just good for your heart, it's science says it's great your mental health too. Honestly, you can just go down the block and buy a seltzer and that's better for your body than anything else you were probably planning to do today.

8. Sneeze. Just sneeze.

Don't hold it in, let it out. There's nothing worse for your body than holding in irritants, and a good sneeze feels great.

9. Stop going on Twitter and reading so many depressing tweets about the Trump administration.

Twitter has already been proven to give you anxiety. And while it's highly important to stay informed, there's only so many posts you can read about Trump's dalliances with nuclear weapons before your heart officially gives out.

10. Drink one glass of warm water a day. Just one glass. You don't even have to like it.

Warm water is easier to absorb than cold water, and it's great for our digestion. Simply drink one cup and voila -- it's basically like you've gone to the gym for a year.