【2006 Archives】

Ask yourself honestly: Can you really love someone who doesn't cook steak at the same temperature as you006 Archives

After The IJRpublished a bombshell story this weekend alleging that the President Trump had ordered well-done steak again -- again! -- the hundreds of dorks who actually care about this stuff erupted in outrage on Twitter.

Traditional liberal outlets condemned the president for degrading the sacred meat, while conservative personalities like Paul Joseph Watson slammed dissenters as "idiot hipsters." The way you cook your meat, both sides seemingly genuinely argued, has everything to do with the way you see the world.

Obviously, there's ample science for these classifications that just has yet to be documented. Forget their political views or personal relationships, below is everything you need to know about someone's character based entirely on the way they eat dinner:

1. Completely rare:

You are Guy Fieri. Anyone who is anyone in the tartare community knows that tuna tartare has the clear culinary advantage. Why else would you want to eat a still breathing cow except to show off how "cool and dissociated" you are? Please. Real men cook their steaks for five minutes more.

2. Medium rare:

Your judgement is impeccable and you're more qualified to be president than Donald Trump. You don't like to eat meat rare because you're not proud of the way it was killed and you're civilized. You know that climate change is real and that meat should be cooked lightly and everything about you is perfect.

3. Medium

You want to embrace your wild medium-rare side, but you just can't yet. You love comfort and predictability. You areFull House as a person. You're understandably worried about undercooked meat even though you know taste-wise, medium-rare is supreme. Maybe one day you'll change, it'll just take time.

4. Medium-well

You're a good kid who wants to be one of the cool kids, but just can't. So you order your meat a little pink to fit in even though you desperately want to order it well.

That's okay. You're okay. You can't change who you are (a nice person who is wrong about steak) so just order what you want and we promise to judge you only in silence.

5. Well

You are my mother. You are the President of the United States. No one thinks you should have access to the nuclear codes precisely because of the way you cook steak. We can't trust your judgement, you eat boiling slabs of gravel by choice. You probably prefer hamburgers to steak, turkey bacon to real bacon, Burger King to McDonald's.

You are dangerous.

6. Seitan meat

Everyone makes fun of you because they secretly know what you're doing is ethical and just. You have to eat in obscurity lest some "funny" meat-eater shame you publicly for your actual values.

No one will ever call what you eat steak. You will live a hermetic yet righteous life. You will eat real steak once by mistake and question everything you've ever believed in.

You are the conscience of America.