【1999 Archives】

Well999 Archives it's almost time. On January 20th, noted L.L. Bean fanatic Donald Trump will take the oath of office and be inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States in the nation's capital.

It should be a really interesting time.

We were able to get our hands on the updated schedule of events for the special day and it sounds like it's going to be pretty cool!

9:30 a.m.

Presidential Cabinet and Vice President-elect Mike Pence take their seats on big gold thrones.

9:45 a.m.

Trump takes his seat on even bigger golder [sic]throne.

10:00 a.m.

The Queen Of PissSOMEBODY NOT OF SIGNIFICANCE takes her seat.

10:15 a.m.

The cast of Duck Dynastytake their seats.

10:45 a.m.

Kid Rock sings “America Kicks Ass (And My Dick Hurts)”

11:00 a.m.

Actor James Woods threatens to sue each individual audience member.

11:15 a.m.

Actor Scott Baio says “safe space” and “snowflake” alternatively for 15 minutes.

11:30 a.m.

Kid Rock and Ted Nugent reprise “America Kicks Ass (And My Dick Hurts)”

11:50 a.m.

U.S. Chief Justice John RobertsDennis Rodman administers the presidential oath of office to President-elect Trump. Trump dons “Crown of Power.”

12:00 p.m.

President Trump delivers inaugural address.

12:01 p.m.

End of Trump’s inaugural address.

12:05 p.m.

Jeff Dunham and Achmed, the dead terrorist puppet, address nation.

1:00 p.m.

Donald Trump, Jr. ceremoniously shoots the earth’s last male white rhino.

1:15 p.m.

Barron Trump reads the list of active ingredients in Tylenol AM.

1:30 p.m.

Kid Rock performs “Money Is So Good (Need To Get My Dick Looked At Pronto)”

1:45 p.m.

Eric Trump morphs into bat.

7:00 p.m.

Inaugural ball (Must have minimum $15 million net worth to be admitted. CASH BAR.)

Wow, looks great. Make sure to tune in. You won't want to miss this!